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Letter from the President to Osama Bin Laden

Dear Osama-

I note you have been a regular audio muckraker of late, with two recent messages condemning the United States. Your message yesterday chastising us for our irreparable damage to the environment (and reaffirming your declared war on the US economy) was interesting. Indeed, your climate change rant juxtaposed with your endless war on all infidels has provided the context for this note.

It occurs to me that Al Quaeda must also be feeling at least some of the pain of this global recession. Fundraising is surely impacted to some degree, yes? I know you and I can agree that the greedy non believers on Wall Street (and of course George W Bush!) are the cause of all our economic woes. Rest assured my administration will punish them accordingly. We have a great line that resonates with the people. All we need to say “it’s time to stop paying the fatcats (pardon the infidel lingo, O-man)on Wall Street and take care of the real Americans on Main Street!” That one gets them everytime. It’s like throwing a lamb shish kebob to one of your guards at the entrance to the cave.

But enough about the hoi polloi. Your message about climate change really resonated with me. I hope you saw that I immediately announced a renewed alternative energy initiative. We are committed to spending more money that we don’t have on costly and hugely inefficient alternative energy projects. Not to worry, oh bearded greatness; we are going to tax the living hell (that means the same thing in the Quran as it does in the Bible, I think…at least my Christian friends say it does) out of every successful and hard working American. And get this, even if we don’t reduce our budget deficit, we’re still going to redistribute some of this money to Americans who have not earned it! If we can’t raise it all from higher taxes, we are just going to print it. Isn’t that incredibly progressive?

So you may be wondering where I am going with all this. Well first, I have to say that I wonder what the heck you do in your cave all day. I mean, do you have lights and stuff? Do you ever sneak a peak at Family Guy….maybe from a recliner or something? But I digress. The points about the recession, access to funds, and your war on America boil down to this moment of epiphany. YOU CAN CEASE AND DESIST! I AM DOING IT FOR YOU! Think about it O-man…I am spending us into oblivion. I am waging a war on the American economy and the American way of life. You can only dream about having the adverse impact that I am actually making happen!

So I write with all due respect to suggest that you might want to focus on Putin or some other easy target. You have to admit, when you take a step back and look at what I’ve done to the United States in the space of one year, you are ahead of plan in the US!

I hope you take this in the brotherly spirit in which it is intended, and look forward, inshallah, to your thoughts in response.

Yours in redistributive revolution,

Barack Hussein Obama