Obama’s Campaign Strategy
Scene- onboard Air Force One
The President “The country’s?”
David Axelrod-”No sir; the campaign’s. Even though we have attended more fundraisers than any other President in history, by a lot, I might add, we’ve also spent money at an equally unprecedented rate, and it doesn’t seem to be working. The early knock-out strategy isn’t sticking.”
The President- “Why? And by the way, let’s not forget that I don’t just attend fundraisers. I have also played more golf than any President since Eisenhower. Which is nice.”
David Axelrod- ” Well sir, I think the Romney message appears to have some legs. People are beginning to connect the dots between all the deficit and stimulus spending and the ongoing unemployment.”
The President- “Oh c’mon, the people aren’t that smart. They don’t have a clue. They have always responded to my promises of more stuff for free.”
David Axelrod- “Well sir, the polls indicate that the race is getting closer. It appears that Romney’s choice of Paul Ryan may have helped galvanize Republican support for the ticket.”
The President- “What? That’s ridiculous. He’s a nobody from Wisconsin; a cheesehead.”
David Axelrod-”Yes, he is, but you know how the Republicans are..you said it yourself..you know, the gun-totin’, bible thumpin’ types…well, they seem to kind of like Ryan’s fiscal conservatism. In fact, our pollsters tell us those rednecks actually understand we really are on a fiscal cliff, and if we don’t stop our profligate spending, we are in for a free fall.”
The President- “Ridiculous. We have always been able to promise more spending, and I am not going to be the democrat who stops that train!”
David Axelrod- “Yes sir, of course. It’s just that we may be on the wrong side of history here, sir.”
The President- “What do you mean? I am history. Don’t you get that? My Presidency has changed the world. This is bigger than our economy.”
David Axelrod- “Yes, of course.”
The President- “David, I don’t want the country you grew up in to be the country we inhabit in the decades ahead. When I promised change, I meant it. Didn’t you read “Dreams of My Father”? In order to change this country once and for all, it must be pushed off the cliff. Only then can we turn the social order upside down. Only then can we re-engineer Wall Street and main street. Only then can we say we have brought hope and change to the people.”
David Axelrod- “Yes, of course.”
The President- “Don’t patronize me. I mean it. Seriously, can there be any other explanation for my three and a half year tirade against Wall Street, the private sector, entrepreneurs, American exceptionalism, big-stick diplomacy, manifest destiny, and our role as the beacon of hope and freedom in the world? Of course not. You know, as mean as you are David, and as much of a bully as you can be, sometimes you worry me. Sometimes I think you are as stupid as those crackers who call themselves Republicans.”
David Axelrod- “My bad, Mr. President.”
The President- “Look, we have to win this thing. I promised the Russians I will capitulate on the European missile issue, but I need to win my second term to do that. And after I win, who knows, we can probably lift the Iranian sanctions; Lord and Allah know the Israelis could use a lesson in hard-knocks politics, right?
But also, let’s face it, if the Republicans win, they are going to try to balance the budget and reduce discretionary spending
. They want to restore fiscal sanity, and that means we don’t fall off the cliff. And that David, is not the change I want. That means the capitalist America I promised I would change might actually survive.”
David Axelrod- “SIr, aren’t we raising hundreds of millions of dollars from these people you would like to ‘diminish’?”
The President- “Over the course of time, great leaders have had unsuspecting people do their bidding. This is no different. Hollywood will survive, and so will the other limousine liberals lining up for their ambassadorships.”
David Axelrod-”Yes sir, but back to the matter at hand, how would you like to address the rise in support for the Republican ticket?”
The President-”Do I need to do your job for you? We do what we have always done. We deflect. We do not talk about our record. We attack them. Full stop. David, this is where you shine. C’mon! Romney and Ryan will kill your grandmother. They will tax the middle class. They will enrich the rich. They are racists! They want to preserve an America that has closed its doors to the 99%. I mean seriously, do I really need to tell you this? You wrote the playbook.
And David, what have you always done so well, in every race we’ve run? You don’t let truth get in the way. If you cannot find dirt, make it up!”
David Axelrod-”OK, I’m good at that.”
The President- “Let’s get back to the business at hand. I’ve got a country to run. Where is the next fundraiser? And did you make sure golf is lined up for tomorrow back in DC?”
This conversation may have taken place, but for the purposes of this blog, it is purely fiction.
THINK RIGHT. ACT RIGHT. VOTE RIGHT.