The Blog

Opine Needles

The Blog

Obamashead Revisited

Setting: The Oval Office

Scene: President Obama meets with team and Chairman of the Fed

Characters: President Obama sitting at his desk

In chairs facing the desk, from left to right:

Chief of Staff-Rahm Emanuel

Empty Chair-

Treasury Secretary-Tim Geithner

Federal Reserve Chairman-Ben Bernanke

President- “Ummm, thank you for coming in today Mr. Chairman.”

Bernanke-”It’s Ben, Mr. President.”

President-”Ummm, ok, of course, Ben. Thank you, and I want you to feel perfectly comfortable calling me ‘Mr. President, OK?”. The President chuckles.

Emanuel- chuckles, grins, and flips the bird at Bernanke.

President-”Ben, your speech yesterday did not do much to inspire confidence in the people.”

Bernanke-”I have a duty to tell it as it is Sir.”

President-”Rahm, should he call me Sir?”

Emanuel-”Technically, a subordinate addressing you as Commander-in- Chief may call you Sir, Mr. President.”

President- “As Commander in what, Rahmbo?”

Bernanke-”Mr. President, my apologies, I will make sure to refer to you today and forever as Mr. President.”

President-”Good. Ummm, where were we? Oh, well, Ben, we are trying to tell the American people that the 9.5% unemployment figure is OK, and things are looking up. Tim, isn’t unemployment exactly where we said it would be when we signed the porkulus–whoops, I mean stimulus–package into law?”

Geithner- “I would like counsel present before I answer that question.”

President-”What? Why?”

Emanuel-”Tim’s been a little nervous ever since that tax dodge he got nailed with Mr. President.”

President-picks up phone and buzzes his assistant-”Send (Attorney General) Holder in here.”

A scuffling noise manifests itself under the President’s desk, and Eric Holder pops up and places himself in an empty chair next to Emanuel.

Bernanke does double take.

President-”Eric, I really need you here on the double when I call.”

Holder-”My leg fell asleep under the desk, but I’ll try harder next time Mr. President.”

President-”Tim, you can talk now under protection of counsel. What unemployment rate did we promise by the summer of 2010?”


President-”Ummm…well if you say that really fast, you can make it all sound the same, right?”…Ummm, well, how about the early savings from health care reform. How is that coming along?”

Geithner-”It appears adding giving 40 million people health care benefits with coverage for pre-existing conditions is actually INCREASING health care costs to the Treasury.”

President-”What? I thought we were going to get the money from insurance companies and rich people?”

Geithner-”Mr. President, even if we tax all Americans making more than $250,000 a year at 100%, we will not make much of a dent in our growing deficit. And the insurance companies are publicly traded companies trying to make a profit. If it’s a known condition, it’s not really insurance. I mean, that’s kind of how they see it, Mr. President.”

Emanuel-“Wait…hold on a second…I make more than $250,000 a year in interest and dividends.”

President-(Still focusing on Geithner) “Ummm, what do you mean when you say “publicly traded?”

Geithner-”Their shares are bought and sold by investors.”

President-”You mean on Wall Street?”

Geithner-”Yes, Mr. President.”

President-”I knew it! That proves they are all evil! Our health care package will eradicate that scourge!”

Silence permeates Oval Office. Bernanke clears his throat.

Emanuel-”Maybe it’s time to tell Netanyahu to take out the Iranian nuke plants.”

President-”Are they part of the health care package?”

Emanuel-”No, Mr. President, I segued.”

President-”Ummm, isn’t a segue the family vehicle of the future in our new carbon tax credit based energy bill?”

Geithner-”I can answer that Mr. President. The answer is ‘yes’, but the Chief of Staff was referencing a change of subject. He was looking for us to draw an inferential conclusion that we could make Americans forget about this mess we’ve created if Israel bombs the livin’ burkas outta Iran.”

President-”Are they hiding their nukes in burkas? My grandmother wore one of those.”

Emanuel-”No Mr. President, the Treasury Secretary was demonstrating his skills at alliteration. We believe the nukes are being constructed hundreds of feet underground.”

President-”In burkas’?”

Bernanke-”Mr. President, I’m not sure I should be part of this conversation”

President-”Ben, are you saying you have a problem with traditional Muslim clothing?”

Emanuel-“We’ll get back to you in a minute, Mr. Bernanke. Mr. President, I think we have a little problem on the Shirley Sherrod issue.”


Emanuel-“The lady we fired for giving a really good speech about racial tolerance.”

President-“the Native American woman of African extraction?”

Emanuel-“Not really sure where that is going Mr. President, but the American people think we might have rushed to judgment a bit in firing her.”

President-“The people know I stand for hope. It will be OK.”

Bernanke- Mr. President, I really should be going.”

President-“I hope you see that all roads lead to the Fed and your disastrous policies. It’s not easy taking the hits here in the White House for your cockeyed decisions.”

Bernanke-“Thank you for inviting me to see you Mr. President. (Bernanke shakes hands and leaves through the door opposite that of the President’s aide.

President-(Looking at no one in particular)“Ummm, Well, I’d say we have things pretty much where and how we want them to be, wouldn’t you?”

Geithner-“Am I still protected by counsel?”

Holder-“I think I’ll just slither back under the desk.”

Emanuel-“I’ll get Netanyahu on the line now.”

  • Peter Duke


  • Jim Pierce